Friday, May 18, 2012

I'm Back!

It's been awhile since I blogged and though my life hasn't been terribly exciting lately I do have some special “tips” for ya'll. Read between the lines and find the “tips”.

Spillin' Seeds
One evening, I was carrying an open bag of bird seed down my back porch steps when I lost my footing causing me to stumble forward and spill most of the bird seed out onto the deck. I stood there dumbfounded at first, wondering how in the world I would clean the mess up. Alas, the birds took care of that for me. The downfall? I have bird poop all over my deck.

Backyard Mishaps
I love hanging out with my Border Collies in the back yard whether it's throwing a ball or frisbee or just running around with them. One evening I was running around the yard with the dogs but I was doing this while wearing sandals. Take a guess at how that one turned out. Next, I threw the frisbee flew too far and landed on the other side of a rickety old picket fence at the end of our yard. Silly me (and maybe a glass or two of wine later) I stood on the bottom “rung” of the fence and leaned over to fetch the frisbee. Sadly, I almost fell forward on my head. I had to walk around the block to get into the backyard of my neighbor's house to grab the frisbee. That was a fun evening!

Can I Take Your Order?
My favorite has to be the time (a few weekends ago) when my husband and I decided (on a whim) to go out to dinner together, like a “date night”. We went to one of our favorite local restaurants, Sorrentos', and were seated at a cozy table in the corner. I felt eyes upon me for a few minutes and finally had the nerve to look over and noticed the lady (one of two) sitting at a nearby table, was staring at me with a small smile on her face. I smiled back and as I was turning back to my own business, she spoke.
Strange lady: “Excuse me, is your coat a Calvin Klein?”
Um, yeah RIGHT like I could afford THAT.
No” I responded politely, “It's from Burlington and I don't know the brand”.
Strange lady: “Oh, because I have a jacket JUST like that one and it's a Calvin Klein. Cost me $100”
Oh” I answered politely. Looked at tag and turned back to her. “Nope, it's a something-something from Burlington all right”.
Strange lady: “Hmmm. That's funny because it looks exactly like my Calvin Klein but I had to leave it in my car because I just had surgery on my hand......”...blah blah blah crap that I don't care about.
Me: {little laugh} “Oh ok. Well mine is definitely not a Calvin Klein and it's definitely mine”
Goodness lady, are you accusing me of stealing your COAT??
Strange lady laughed a little then shut up. I resumed my conversation with my husband while out of the corner of my eye I could see her staring at me with that tiny smile.
Finally her and her friend finished eating dinner and strange lady asked for her leftovers to be wrapped. The waitress brought the wrapped remains and strange lady said “Oh I didn't want this, I wanted the Catallini”. Waitress was confused and said “You want to order the Catallini?”. “No,” said strange lady. “I ordered the Catallini but you brought me something else so I want to take the Catallini home”. “But you ate what I brought you” sputtered the waitress. On and on this went until the manager came over and insisted that you cannot eat most of your meal and then ask to have something ELSE wrapped unless you pay for it.
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY the strange lady and her friend left and my husband and I managed to have an enjoyable dinner.

Well folks, that about wraps it up. Hope you found the “what not to do” tips in my stories. That will probably save you some embarrassment in the future! Remember to check your feet when you leave the house to make sure you're not wearing your slippers; remember that clean coffee mugs do not go into the refrigerator (nor dirty ones); and always, always watch where you step if you have dogs!

Peace out!!